Fandom: The Avengers (2012)
Rating: R [Language, Violence, Themes]
Warnings: This story contains references to and graphic descriptions of attempted suicide, and a brief, non-explicit reference to non-consensual sex. Highlight for details and spoilers: In the scene between Loki and Phil, Loki implies that he raped Clint while he was mind-controlled. The reference is brief and non-explicit. Clint attempts to commit suicide by slicing his wrists, and there is a graphic description of the aftermath.
Summary: Everything comes with a price.
A/N: Sequel and companion piece to “Tag and Release”. Thanks to coffeesuperhero and notthatheroine for their flailing and support.
Read on DreamWidth
Read on AO3
The theme of weird, complicated, and vaguely upsetting dreams continues. There are a couple of things that keep showing up: fights with my parents, zombies, reading, and sex with fictional characters. A lot of things happened in last night's dream, but the part that sticks with me is that I was sitting in some kind of public space (a laundromat, maybe?) and re-read Hawkeye #2. Only, in the dream comic, Clint and Kate get captured by some psycho who has them tied up and sets a bunch of zombie lingerie models on them. (No. Really.) Specifically, he sets them on Kate. Clint tries to protect her by getting between her and the zombies, but she's already been mauled and turned. She bites him, and they both die. Y'all, I can't even tell you how upset dream-me was about this. Like, uncontrollable sobbing. I had to leave the room and go sit in a corner by myself. And I was like, "How did I not remember that this happened? I have to make sure everyone knows this in case they decide to read it again." Other things happened, and I don't think I ever actually reminded anyone, but I was (and still kind of am) really upset.
That is not at all what happens in Hawkeye #2, by the way. It's awesome and hilarious and Kate and Clint kick ass and no one dies. (Also, that is where my icon is from.)
Speaking of kicking ass....
( Operation Kate Fucking Bishop: Week 14Collapse )
I've been picking up tailoring and alterations work from coworkers, and I'm thinking it's about fucking time to get that Etsy shop started. Y'all would buy my shit, right? <3
Also, I finally finished that stupid story. It is here on AO3, and I'll post the whole thing here, once it's all up. Please heed the warnings, as there's a lot of triggery stuff in this one.
Title: Five Photos of Clint Barton
Warnings: overdone fanfiction trope
Summary: Five photos of Clint Barton that Phil Coulson didn't take (and one that he did).
A/N: You're not a shipper until you write a "five times" fic. I apologize for nothing.
( Five Photos of Clint BartonCollapse )
Oh my god, y'all. I have to tell you about this dream I had last night.
The dream started with me waking up and deciding to watch an episode of Supernatural, which I was apparently catching up on. I then proceeded to dream the entire episode, in which Castiel died, and I had a lot of feelings and possibly tears. Then I was on vacation with my family. Not just my immediate family, but most of my extended family. We were travelling and stopped at some ridiculous tourist trap to eat, only my aunt had brought pretty much the entire traditional holiday spread, most of which I couldn't eat. This lead to a shouting match with my parents and a few relatives about how being a vegetarian wasn't the same thing as being picky. That transitioned almost immediately into something involving the team from the Ultimate Spider-man cartoon, the Young Avengers, and Spider-man's smelly feet. (Idek)
Here's where it gets weird.
There was then another dream inside the dream - and I don't know if I was the one dreaming or if Spidey was - that was just the entire plot of The Children's Crusade. Only - and this is the truly strange part - I knew it was a dream about a book, I thought to myself in the dream "Wow. This is written a lot like a dream sequence", and I have never actually read The Children's Crusade. Then I woke up.
And then I woke up.
( What week am I even on for Op: KFB?Collapse )
tl;dr: Restructuring my life to fail better.
Last week also brought a change in meds (phasing from Zoloft to Effexor, adding Trazodone for sleep) and my intake session for therapy. My sleep is not as obnoxiously bad, though I still tend to feel pretty tired. My mood has improved immensely. Most of the last several days, I've felt like an actual person. Today was the day I dropped to a 1/4 dose (25mg. Yes, I was taking 100mg daily with no improvement) of Zoloft and doubled my dose of Effexor. So far so good. We'll see.
My therapist seems like a cool dude, no bad vibes. He said he likes to focus on altering behavior to improve mental health (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), recommended a book on CBT, and told me to start keeping a journal. My next appointment is on January 3rd, right after I get back from the holidays, so we'll see how that goes.
I am, needless to say, not looking forward to going home for Christmas. In fact, I'm actively dreading it, as you might have guessed from that bizarre dream. Good thoughts, please.
Writing is going well. I'm almost done with this amazingly sad story, and I've got a few others lining up.
My gift fic from AvengersFest went up, and it's pretty much the most perfect thing ever. It's called The Varied and Terrible Love Lives of Clinton F. Barton and Philip J. Coulson, and you should read it and shower love on the still-anonymous author.
This is what happens when I don't update in... what, a month? You get a flood of information.
Also, last call for holiday cards. If you want one and haven't told me, PM or email me your address. :D
ETA: Posted this two days ago but accidentally set it to private. Oops. Also, that picture is now on one of my desktops at work. Hawkeyes + Coffee = Love.
It's that time again!
If you'd like to receive a holiday card from me, drop a note in the (screened) comments with your address, winter holiday of choice (Christmas, Kwanzaa, generic seasons greetings, etc), and any extras you'd like included (gift, drabble, drawing, dirty joke, etc).
If I sent you a card last year and still have your address, give me a ping to let me know you'd like to get one again. If you've moved, obviously I will need your new address. :) New folks, say hallo! If you're sending out cards of your own, I'd love to get one!
Now I just need to make the cards....
( Numbers and updateCollapse )
I've got a phone visit with the doctor tomorrow morning (Who even knew there was such a thing?) to talk about my medication. I've been on generic Zoloft, but, for the last month or so, it doesn't seem to be quite enough. I'm sure the change in seasons has a lot to do with it, in addition to stress about some other things, but I've been pretty consistently down for about two weeks (minus the OMG COULSON LIVES lift, most of which I cried through). I'm okay with being a little blah during the winter, that's fine. But I refuse to be exhausted, miserable, and self-loathing for the next four months. That shit is not kosher.
Anyway, the long and short of THAT is just that I might be changing meds this week, and, as with every such change, I have no idea what kind of immediate impact that's going to have on my energy and mood. So, y'know, just bear with me.
One of the things that needs bearing, sadly, is the fact that my writing is off. I've suffered some ego blows, lately, and being down makes it harder to bounce back from those, not to mention the standard inability to focus and the persistent conviction that everything I write is shit (even though I know it's not).
That being said: Zombies! And original fiction! And their faces! And Rhodey's awesome girlfriend that coffeesuperhero and I accidentally made up! And also the IM3 trailer OMG!
So, y'know, tell me that you love me and forgive me the days when I am a sucking black hole of bad feelings.
( No photo, just an update.Collapse )
In non-body-related news, the zombie fic proceeds apace, and I'm completely in love with it. In the tradition of contemporary zombie stories, it swings between hilarious, horrifying, and heart-wrenching. I keep freaking myself out while writing it, which I'm taking as a good sign. Also, have I mentioned my Clint feels? I have a lot of them, and they are all getting poured out in this fic. And some Kate feels. Yes, that's right, Kate's here, too, along with a few other young heroes. Because it's so much more satisfying to drop in cameos than to come up with a bunch of random OCs.
Oh yeah, and did you know that COULSON LIVES? Because, it's official: COULSON LIVES, Marvel said so, and I've been flipping my shit and sobbing with joy since Saturday night.
If you think that's an exaggeration, clearly you don't know me very well.
Today is new comic book day, possibly with an evening of geo-caching. I am excite!
Title: A Thing Worth Doing
Fandom: The Avengers (film)
Warnings: Unapologetic fluff and warm fuzzy feelings
Summary: Anything worth doing is worth doing well, it just takes a few tries to get there.
A/N: Follow-up to "Fifty Pound Draw", because Phil did make a promise. Thanks to sabinetzin and coffeesuperhero for looking it over.
( A Thing Worth DoingCollapse )